Pure Mad Mental
PUREMADMENTAL
I’m pure mad mental, I am. When I grow up I’m going to lead a revolution, I swear.
Ask my brother, Alistair. He’s pure mad mental as well. Takes one to know one. Fools seldom differ
Secret note: Carmunnock summerhouse Sunday (sp*rm).
The parents keep coming into our bedroom without asking and it’s really getting on our tits. Mater removed our ashtray off the top of the dressing table and left a wee note saying “IF YOU EVER DARE TO LEAVE AN ASHTRAY HERE AGAIN….!!!” The Auld Man just storms in like the Gestapo without warning. I think he knows all the creaky steps and can avoid them. Both me and Ali have learned how to get both the ashtray and the burning cigarette under the bedclothes - but not in contact with them - in about under one tenth of a second now. In my case I also have to get my Spick magazine out of sight in the same time. I don’t think he’s spotted anything yet, but the other night he came in suddenly, gave both Ali and I a booklet called “Knowledge For The Growing Boy” that he bought from the Church of Scotland Bookshop in Edinburgh while he was through on that Dangerous Drugs Case. I don’t think much of it. I was about half way through it without learning anything new, because it’s all Primary School stuff, and they started saying God will know if you feel Guilty after Masturbation (“self-abuse“). Well, I stopped it about there as I would prefer the Sin at present, so the rest of that book will have to keep till later for a few laughs.
I’ve got a girlfriend in England now……Did I tell you yet about my Girlfriend Guinevere?Ah well, it’s probably worth the effort so I’ll be getting on with it now……Guinevere is beautiful, wise and free. Like, I guess, me!She never stays around too long anywhere.How did I get in touch with her? Well you wouldn’t believe it but I saw her photo in a sports magazine called “Health & Efficiency”. The subtitle was “Young and Free!”. (And I got the magazine for free, too.)Some day I'm going to pass on all the secrets of Freeloading that me and Ali have found out. How to get into different types of cinemas or theatres for nothing, how to travel free on any public transport, how to get your naughty magazines for free. I reckon with all the Freeloading we've been getting away with, Alistair and I have both been living a lifestyle that costs about twice what the Old Man has got to spend on himself at the end of the week.I know that for sure, because he gave us one of his usual long and detailed lectures on Saturday night when we came in."So, you're finally back, then. And just where the hell have you been tae this time ah night, eh?" Absolutely brimming over with paternal love.When we said the La Scala...and the Old Man knows that costs at least 3/6 even for juveniles....he got on to his usual old rant: "And jist how the hell kin yez manage to go to the pictures three times in one week?!Well, we never got to answer that, thank God, but we still got a twenty minute lecture on where all the Old Boy's money goes, housekeeping, bills, savings and all that nonsense. The Old Man says he just has 28 shillings to spend on himself for a week, including his tobacco and the newspapers.Wow, both me and Ali spend about twice that much....and we get our newspapers for free in the morning. When I started on the newspaper delivery at Wm Porteus and Son, Venman, who is in 4A, and actually told me about the jobs being vacant in the first place, said that all the paperboys take a copy of each of the daily newspapers every day.I don't know if that's true but, for the last three weeks I've been having 6 every day: Scotsman, Herald, Record, Mail, Mirror and Daily Express.It's amazing how much easier some crosswords are than others. What's even more amazing is how much different the news is from one paper to another. In one paper it's 5 dead, in another it's 7. You don't know who to believe.Anyway the New Musical Express have exclusively confirmed that Dylan (God!) is definitely coming to the UK in May and one of his 'gigs' will definitely be in Glasgow, probably at the Odeon. I'm definitely going down for tickets as soon as they announce them.That's another thing the Old Boy was ranting about on Saturday. He's just like a bloody repeating record. I don't know how he manages to swing it round from us coming in late from the pictures, to how little pocket money he gets, to the Bob Dylan Pictures, but he manages it every time. I could tell you in advance, word for word, exactly what he's going to come out with:"...and while yez are at it, yez can get all these bloody stupid pictures of Bob Dylan (he manages to make them both sound like swearwords) down off yer bloody wall. The place looks like bloody Paddy's Market!"Huh, I bet he's never even been to Paddy's Market. Ali and me both got really gallus waistcoats, with lapels, there last week. Just your traditional black, with a shiny back and lots of pockets. Gallus! Frankly I don't know how we've managed to get away with it so long. Ali and I just look at him with that 'silent hatred' look, say nothing, do nothing and just defy him to go crazy and do whatever it is he's threatening.And where does She come into all this....The Auld Dear, the Old Dutch, Mater?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***
You know, I don’t like the way Mater just takes it into her head she has the right to give me a new hairstyle - a la Doctor Kildare - whenever it suits her.
And they’re my plukes and I should get to do all the squeezing. She wouldn’t believe the pictures I’ve got in the ‘toy cupboard’ up on the shelf among the game cartons, in the third bottom one, ‘Snakes and Ladders’. There’s some ladders in there turn my snake into a stick, like Moses’.
Grrrrrr. It makes me so annoyed. I’m a Man, I’m a Man, but my Maw Won’t Admit It! I’m a Man, I’m a Man, when I say I am I get it!
Guinevere knows it. She knows I am a Man. As I know She is a Woman.
Yeah, that’s Guinivere. Worth staying up late at night for, eh? Burning the candle at both ends, as Dad says. Well, one end’s red hot , we know that for sure, lads. She certainly (so far) looks enough to be worth trying to get hold of, eh?
I’m pure mad mental, I am. When I grow up I’m going to lead a revolution, I swear.
Ask my brother, Alistair. He’s pure mad mental as well. Takes one to know one. Fools seldom differ
Secret note: Carmunnock summerhouse Sunday (sp*rm).
The parents keep coming into our bedroom without asking and it’s really getting on our tits. Mater removed our ashtray off the top of the dressing table and left a wee note saying “IF YOU EVER DARE TO LEAVE AN ASHTRAY HERE AGAIN….!!!” The Auld Man just storms in like the Gestapo without warning. I think he knows all the creaky steps and can avoid them. Both me and Ali have learned how to get both the ashtray and the burning cigarette under the bedclothes - but not in contact with them - in about under one tenth of a second now. In my case I also have to get my Spick magazine out of sight in the same time. I don’t think he’s spotted anything yet, but the other night he came in suddenly, gave both Ali and I a booklet called “Knowledge For The Growing Boy” that he bought from the Church of Scotland Bookshop in Edinburgh while he was through on that Dangerous Drugs Case. I don’t think much of it. I was about half way through it without learning anything new, because it’s all Primary School stuff, and they started saying God will know if you feel Guilty after Masturbation (“self-abuse“). Well, I stopped it about there as I would prefer the Sin at present, so the rest of that book will have to keep till later for a few laughs.
I’ve got a girlfriend in England now……Did I tell you yet about my Girlfriend Guinevere?Ah well, it’s probably worth the effort so I’ll be getting on with it now……Guinevere is beautiful, wise and free. Like, I guess, me!She never stays around too long anywhere.How did I get in touch with her? Well you wouldn’t believe it but I saw her photo in a sports magazine called “Health & Efficiency”. The subtitle was “Young and Free!”. (And I got the magazine for free, too.)Some day I'm going to pass on all the secrets of Freeloading that me and Ali have found out. How to get into different types of cinemas or theatres for nothing, how to travel free on any public transport, how to get your naughty magazines for free. I reckon with all the Freeloading we've been getting away with, Alistair and I have both been living a lifestyle that costs about twice what the Old Man has got to spend on himself at the end of the week.I know that for sure, because he gave us one of his usual long and detailed lectures on Saturday night when we came in."So, you're finally back, then. And just where the hell have you been tae this time ah night, eh?" Absolutely brimming over with paternal love.When we said the La Scala...and the Old Man knows that costs at least 3/6 even for juveniles....he got on to his usual old rant: "And jist how the hell kin yez manage to go to the pictures three times in one week?!Well, we never got to answer that, thank God, but we still got a twenty minute lecture on where all the Old Boy's money goes, housekeeping, bills, savings and all that nonsense. The Old Man says he just has 28 shillings to spend on himself for a week, including his tobacco and the newspapers.Wow, both me and Ali spend about twice that much....and we get our newspapers for free in the morning. When I started on the newspaper delivery at Wm Porteus and Son, Venman, who is in 4A, and actually told me about the jobs being vacant in the first place, said that all the paperboys take a copy of each of the daily newspapers every day.I don't know if that's true but, for the last three weeks I've been having 6 every day: Scotsman, Herald, Record, Mail, Mirror and Daily Express.It's amazing how much easier some crosswords are than others. What's even more amazing is how much different the news is from one paper to another. In one paper it's 5 dead, in another it's 7. You don't know who to believe.Anyway the New Musical Express have exclusively confirmed that Dylan (God!) is definitely coming to the UK in May and one of his 'gigs' will definitely be in Glasgow, probably at the Odeon. I'm definitely going down for tickets as soon as they announce them.That's another thing the Old Boy was ranting about on Saturday. He's just like a bloody repeating record. I don't know how he manages to swing it round from us coming in late from the pictures, to how little pocket money he gets, to the Bob Dylan Pictures, but he manages it every time. I could tell you in advance, word for word, exactly what he's going to come out with:"...and while yez are at it, yez can get all these bloody stupid pictures of Bob Dylan (he manages to make them both sound like swearwords) down off yer bloody wall. The place looks like bloody Paddy's Market!"Huh, I bet he's never even been to Paddy's Market. Ali and me both got really gallus waistcoats, with lapels, there last week. Just your traditional black, with a shiny back and lots of pockets. Gallus! Frankly I don't know how we've managed to get away with it so long. Ali and I just look at him with that 'silent hatred' look, say nothing, do nothing and just defy him to go crazy and do whatever it is he's threatening.And where does She come into all this....The Auld Dear, the Old Dutch, Mater?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***
You know, I don’t like the way Mater just takes it into her head she has the right to give me a new hairstyle - a la Doctor Kildare - whenever it suits her.
And they’re my plukes and I should get to do all the squeezing. She wouldn’t believe the pictures I’ve got in the ‘toy cupboard’ up on the shelf among the game cartons, in the third bottom one, ‘Snakes and Ladders’. There’s some ladders in there turn my snake into a stick, like Moses’.
Grrrrrr. It makes me so annoyed. I’m a Man, I’m a Man, but my Maw Won’t Admit It! I’m a Man, I’m a Man, when I say I am I get it!
Guinevere knows it. She knows I am a Man. As I know She is a Woman.
Yeah, that’s Guinivere. Worth staying up late at night for, eh? Burning the candle at both ends, as Dad says. Well, one end’s red hot , we know that for sure, lads. She certainly (so far) looks enough to be worth trying to get hold of, eh?
posted by Professor Smile at 4:55 AM
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