Professor Smile's Diary
2005-08-01
No more pornography for me! Stick it. I’m totally fed up with sex now. It’s a psychological minefield. You’d be safer in Al-Quaeda.
My Mother always said I was a Bad Boy…. right from when I first understood these words. Bad Boy is the one who gets spanked till he cries, to make him good.
I’ve just had a severe spanking. Boff. Right off the Internet. Virtual Death.
Now I’m lying dazed in a fog of confused shock. What is left of my life? On or off the Internet?
This picture was taken just as the little Irish AOL bitch was kicking me off the Internet as a filth-peddler, at the exact time I was supposed to be giving my debut “lesson” (performance) in the Camfrog PlayGuitar Video Chatroom.
OK….I’ve started. I feel absolutely exhausted and can’t be bothered much with anything except a wee reefer and tea, then maybe head off to bed. Death sits on my chest while I sleep these days but the dreams are usually wonderful. If I wake again I may continue. In fact, if I do wake up I’m going to learn how to play “Wish You Were Here”, having downloaded the chords and words just before I came off the net. Last week I mastered “Wonderwall”. That brought a lot of pleasure to many others and myself.
2005-08-02
I did eventually get out of bed again, after 14 hours sleep. I still feel nauseatingly ill and exhausted. I actually can’t be bothered doing anything. I’m really just waiting for my dentist appointment tomorrow, in the hope that a new denture might cause great improvement in my life, revitalising my appetite and self-confidence! Slim chance, but I am hanging on. Meanwhile I am just cleaning up all the files on my computer, making sure I am not saving images or text that do me no favours. Meanwhile discovering that I do have some good ones and that a lot of hard honest good work went into the creation of my character Will Smile:
Yeah. Nice dude. Great singer and guitarist. Let’s see if I can dig him out and do something worthwhile with him to justify all that research and practise. (No wonder I feel tired…. bluffing enthusiasm and energy every day when I was feeling rotten actually.)
2005-08-10
I have been dying or dead since the last entry. I see no value in recording much about this experience or period, and no sign yet of any resurrection.
I believe the relationship between myself and my mother is now over. Certainly any illusion of “love” between us is now gone, replaced with a growing certainty that she has actually hated me for years – even if unknowingly – and sought my downfall and disgrace to “punish” me for my evil.
At this point I don’t think I care any more whether I live or die. 54 is a good age to have lived to, it has been an amazing life and recently there has seemed little motivation to continue if it is only to experience sickness, disgrace, isolation and depression. No one else whomsoever is currently providing any reason to continue or any need for my time, company or output.
2005-09-04
Terrible time, physically. Horrible. Absolute loneliness and certainty that I am dead soon without a miracle. Back to court tomorrow. Dreadfully tired and weary. Hardly ever come near to waking up these days.
Oh what a wonderful life it has been. Pure magic. I send all my love and thanks to all those who helped.
Dad:
Alistair:
Granny:
just for starters…..there are many many thousands, so that’s an enormous amount of LOVE & GRATITUDE! At the end of the day that’s all the treasure I really have. And it’s huge.
As Alistair demonstrated earlier, the loose ends never actually get sorted out. The whole truth is never really known. It doesn’t really matter. I know I’ve been naughty, but never evil. I’ve also been good, helpful and entertaining to many people – though I definitely wasted far too much of my time, skills and resources attempting to win approval from my mother. That’s my mistake ultimately – inherited from Dad! I am sure my father would understand thoroughly why I called the first draft of my auto-biography DEATH BY STAGEFRIGHT. It gradually dawned on me that every time I got very close to “success” in some project or career plan, something would cause me to lose my bottle.
I’d either be attacked by some new or old accusation to defame my character or I’d subconsciously sabotage my performance in anger or fear.
Paradoxically, the keenest insight and deepest wisdom comes when it is too late to do anything with it. I was told that the last message from George Harrison was “LOVE ONE ANOTHER”. I agree, but I’m sure we’re little closer to understanding how than we were 2000 years ago, when Jesus taught the same.
I hope that the material I have recorded on video will eventually surface to a sympathetic audience who will be entertained if not enlightened by them. Many of them were actually made while I understood their transmission would probably be posthumous. Gosh….there ain’t half a lot of love and happiness expressed in these recordings. Yes, I’ve done a Man’s Job, Sir!
At this late stage I must admit that while in my earlier material I kept on insisting I was not looking for fame or wealth, I think I was secretly hoping for one or both. I realise that actually meeting with such “success” at any point would probably have terminated my ceaseless experimentation in my “career”. A famous or rich person would not have been able to experience even a tiny fraction of my amazing adventures over the last twenty years.
No more pornography for me! Stick it. I’m totally fed up with sex now. It’s a psychological minefield. You’d be safer in Al-Quaeda.
My Mother always said I was a Bad Boy…. right from when I first understood these words. Bad Boy is the one who gets spanked till he cries, to make him good.
I’ve just had a severe spanking. Boff. Right off the Internet. Virtual Death.
Now I’m lying dazed in a fog of confused shock. What is left of my life? On or off the Internet?
This picture was taken just as the little Irish AOL bitch was kicking me off the Internet as a filth-peddler, at the exact time I was supposed to be giving my debut “lesson” (performance) in the Camfrog PlayGuitar Video Chatroom.
OK….I’ve started. I feel absolutely exhausted and can’t be bothered much with anything except a wee reefer and tea, then maybe head off to bed. Death sits on my chest while I sleep these days but the dreams are usually wonderful. If I wake again I may continue. In fact, if I do wake up I’m going to learn how to play “Wish You Were Here”, having downloaded the chords and words just before I came off the net. Last week I mastered “Wonderwall”. That brought a lot of pleasure to many others and myself.
2005-08-02
I did eventually get out of bed again, after 14 hours sleep. I still feel nauseatingly ill and exhausted. I actually can’t be bothered doing anything. I’m really just waiting for my dentist appointment tomorrow, in the hope that a new denture might cause great improvement in my life, revitalising my appetite and self-confidence! Slim chance, but I am hanging on. Meanwhile I am just cleaning up all the files on my computer, making sure I am not saving images or text that do me no favours. Meanwhile discovering that I do have some good ones and that a lot of hard honest good work went into the creation of my character Will Smile:
Yeah. Nice dude. Great singer and guitarist. Let’s see if I can dig him out and do something worthwhile with him to justify all that research and practise. (No wonder I feel tired…. bluffing enthusiasm and energy every day when I was feeling rotten actually.)
2005-08-10
I have been dying or dead since the last entry. I see no value in recording much about this experience or period, and no sign yet of any resurrection.
I believe the relationship between myself and my mother is now over. Certainly any illusion of “love” between us is now gone, replaced with a growing certainty that she has actually hated me for years – even if unknowingly – and sought my downfall and disgrace to “punish” me for my evil.
At this point I don’t think I care any more whether I live or die. 54 is a good age to have lived to, it has been an amazing life and recently there has seemed little motivation to continue if it is only to experience sickness, disgrace, isolation and depression. No one else whomsoever is currently providing any reason to continue or any need for my time, company or output.
2005-09-04
Terrible time, physically. Horrible. Absolute loneliness and certainty that I am dead soon without a miracle. Back to court tomorrow. Dreadfully tired and weary. Hardly ever come near to waking up these days.
Oh what a wonderful life it has been. Pure magic. I send all my love and thanks to all those who helped.
Dad:
Alistair:
Granny:
just for starters…..there are many many thousands, so that’s an enormous amount of LOVE & GRATITUDE! At the end of the day that’s all the treasure I really have. And it’s huge.
As Alistair demonstrated earlier, the loose ends never actually get sorted out. The whole truth is never really known. It doesn’t really matter. I know I’ve been naughty, but never evil. I’ve also been good, helpful and entertaining to many people – though I definitely wasted far too much of my time, skills and resources attempting to win approval from my mother. That’s my mistake ultimately – inherited from Dad! I am sure my father would understand thoroughly why I called the first draft of my auto-biography DEATH BY STAGEFRIGHT. It gradually dawned on me that every time I got very close to “success” in some project or career plan, something would cause me to lose my bottle.
I’d either be attacked by some new or old accusation to defame my character or I’d subconsciously sabotage my performance in anger or fear.
Paradoxically, the keenest insight and deepest wisdom comes when it is too late to do anything with it. I was told that the last message from George Harrison was “LOVE ONE ANOTHER”. I agree, but I’m sure we’re little closer to understanding how than we were 2000 years ago, when Jesus taught the same.
I hope that the material I have recorded on video will eventually surface to a sympathetic audience who will be entertained if not enlightened by them. Many of them were actually made while I understood their transmission would probably be posthumous. Gosh….there ain’t half a lot of love and happiness expressed in these recordings. Yes, I’ve done a Man’s Job, Sir!
At this late stage I must admit that while in my earlier material I kept on insisting I was not looking for fame or wealth, I think I was secretly hoping for one or both. I realise that actually meeting with such “success” at any point would probably have terminated my ceaseless experimentation in my “career”. A famous or rich person would not have been able to experience even a tiny fraction of my amazing adventures over the last twenty years.
posted by Professor Smile at 4:51 AM
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